Anonymous Submission to our writers series titled ‘Onwards, o suffering!’

This is an anonymous letter to the abyss, written with the sole intention of feeling like all my problems will unravel, that after pouring my heart out, something will change on this unbearable 31st of July. July was good and it was full of promise, ideas of adventure, freedom and present-day living. Delusion. Thinking that all the problems just wouldn’t exist anymore. They do, of course they do. There’s no need for detail, I don’t need this page to hear about it, I’m stewing in my own suffering well enough, I can feel the pain through my own veins with no problem. I think it’s the feeling of being at a crossroads. I’m a person who just does a lot, like constantly on the move, wanting to experience as much as possible, live this grand life, where I mostly get what I want and in the times that I don’t it still wounds up a beautiful chapter of tragedy – heartbreak that inevitably turns into glory. We all know life isn’t fair, I personally have been told that so many times in my life when I have been so obviously mistreated. But  knowing something doesn’t refute my right to complain and whine and suffer and retreat within myself, feel quite hopeless. Yes. Hopeless, that’s the word. When things aren’t going right, or more realistically, aren’t going at all. I’m the kind of person to say I’m going on a holiday in 3 weeks when the tickets aren’t booked and I’m scrounging off a fiver in my account. But I do it because I believe in speaking things into existence. The pressure of having to somehow concoct a thousand pound trip in said 3 weeks is crazy and motivating, but it never really works. I’m also stewing in some bad emotional regulation, maybe unmedicated. But yes, I wish I was on a good holiday right now. Dancing somewhere. Eating somewhere. Sleeping in some luxe hotel bed, my hands rough from like playing in sand and not concrete walls. I kind of wish I wasn’t listening to The Smiths right now either, I’d prefer something a little more summery, a little less soul destroying, something that didn’t make my blatant events to cope with my sadness so obvious. There are different places in my mind – L.A to be snobby and drive around in an old porsche and eat the bad wellness food. Cape Cod wearing some breton shirt, playing a make-shift band with friends with some flavoured drink next to me and a lot of candid pictures being taken of me. I specify flavoured drink because now I can’t bear walking into the store and buying a lipton peach or a sprite or a diet coke because I’m trying to drink more than a baby bottle of water a day. So now my dreams amount to a good drink with some ice and a slice of lemon if appropriate. Vienna would be sweet, Paris would be lovely too. But then when I realise these pipe dreams are starting to burn, and I try and make these goals smaller – I can’t even find solace in my own city – London. I love London a lot, and I don’t feel a need to go on about the things I like and dislike, the point is there is a lot of opportunity and fun to be had, it just isn’t meshing well right now. What does one do in London when broke and all you want to do is have a little more money? Covent Garden is a great place to walk around but God, when I see all these people with their expensive clothes and small chic shopping bags of stupid small things they bought for £200 and they’re on their way to some new silly restaurant and getting home is only like 15 minutes on the tube or if they’re especially evil, a 30 minute walk. So yes I’m a jealous person. Jealous, Envious, still going through my Smiths CD. Annoyed with the world. I would absolutely devour a london townhouse that’s 20 minutes a way from a muji store. I’d be good. 

Instead I’m blistering from bad bad arguments, kicking walls and being sour. Nothing to share with anyone, It’s not even that I wouldn’t want to share with someone, there’s just no one who’s really bothered. Would I be bothered if I had a holiday to Saint Tropez in 3 weeks and I could buy every book and vinyl I wanted in the world, and I lived in like Notting Hill, yes!!!!! That shocked you, didn’t it, that I’m not an absolute arse? I would care, I would, I would because sometimes the course of your life can change with a simple conversation. With someone who actually listens, and they know they can’t fix it, or fix you but they’ll listen, they’ll look at you, they  actually feel your sadness or your anger or hopelessness. 

That’s all I’m going to say because I’m becoming restless and I’m going to clean up my hands and try again tomorrow. 

Key Lesson Notes 

• Fuck The Smiths 
• Talk to people 
• Be insufferable 
• Don’t throw yourself at walls in quiet rages.

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